Spanish Inquisition - Monty Python, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin

Lady Mountback:

(Carol) Oh no — what kind of trouble?

Reg: I don’t know — Mr Wentworth told me to come and say that there was trouble

at the mill, that’s all — I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two

junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead.

Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang)

(Michael) NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our weapon is suprise…

surprise and fear… fear and surprise… Our two weapons are fear and

surprise… and ruthless efficiency… Our three weapons are fear, and surprise,

and the ruthless efficiency… and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…

Amongst our weapons… are fear, surprise, ruth… Amongst our weaponry…

are such elements as fear… I’ll come in again.

(Exit and exeunt)

Reg: I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(The cardinals burst in)

Ximinez: NOOOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are

such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost

fanatical devotion to the Pope, and a night out with the neighbour — Oh erh!

It’s no good, I’m sorry. Cardinal Biggles — you’ll have to say it.

(Terry J) What?

Ximinez: You’ll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are …'

Biggles: I couldn’t say that…

(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)

Reg: I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(The cardinals enter)

Biggles: Er… Nobody… um…

Ximinez: Expects…

Biggles: Expects… Nobody expects the… um… Spanish… um…

Ximinez: Inquisition.

Biggles: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect —

Ximinez: Our chief weapons is…

Biggles: Our chief weapons is… um… er…

Ximinez: Surprise…

Biggles: Surprise and --

Ximinez: Stop. Stop. Stop there — All right! All right! …our chief weapon is

surprise… blah blah blah blah blah. Now, Cardinal Fang, read the charges.

(Terry G) One pound for a full sketch, 24 p for a quickie.

Ximinez: What will you have?

Lady Mountback: Sketch, please.